Who will show up for you?

I recently took a call that really upset me. It was from a prospective client (I’ll call her Clara). Clara told me that she has to move because she can’t afford to stay where she is. She’s leaving New York and moving back to Ohio, where she grew up. At first I said this sounded smart. I often think living near family is a good option for our older clients. But then she explained that she doesn’t have any close relatives left in Ohio. There are a few cousins living there, but she had a falling out with them years ago. She’s only moving there because she knows the area and the rent will be much less expensive than in New York.

Then it became clear that she can’t afford to pay Paper Moon Moves to help with her move. She can’t even afford a mover. She told me that she has “no money”, which was heart-breaking. But then it got worse! I suggested that she ask a young relative or a friend’s kids or grandkids if they could help her out for free. I suggested she offer to make them dinner or cookies or something if she couldn’t afford to pay them. She mostly needed someone to help her box up books for donation, and to discard things she wouldn’t be moving, so she just really needed some physical support.

She said: “I don’t know anyone like this. I don’t have any friends or family.”

No friends or family. Let that sit for a minute.

I have learned a few things from working with seniors these past fifteen years. One lesson is to try to remain flexible as your body changes and to accept when you may have to make lifestyle changes to match your abilities. Driving is a prime example. I have met seniors who don’t want to admit that they shouldn’t be driving anymore. But this is just really a fact of life. As we age, our response times slow down. Suddenly something as simple as turning your head quickly to the left to look for traffic in the next lane takes you just a little bit longer than it used to. And that can be the difference between being able to drive safely and not being able to drive safely.

Another example is realizing, before it’s too late, that your home no longer suits you. If your home has stairs, for example, you need to figure out how you would continue to live there safely if you broke your hip or developed arthritis in your knees.

We meet a lot of people who resist admitting that they need to make a change. The problem with this is that if you wait too long, you may find yourself being forced to live somewhere you never would have picked. Because you ignored the signs and stayed where you are, you now may find that your options have become more limited. Because you are now in a crisis mode, and it is hard to make good long-term decisions when we’re in crisis mode.

But the key lesson I’ve learned – more important than being open to changing your life before it’s too late – is to make sure you have a good support system. People who will show up for you when you need them.

We all need support systems, no matter how independent we are, what we age we are, or how much money we have. We all need people we can call when things get stressful, when we can’t figure something out, when we’re depressed. But we especially need support systems when we’re older and our bodies and minds start to change.

I wanted to ask Clara how this happened. How she got to this place in her life where she has nobody she can call to help her box up some books. But I couldn’t ask that. It’s too painful.

So, I’ll ask you. Do you have someone who will show up for you when you need them? Do you have friends, relatives, or neighbors who would spend a Saturday afternoon boxing up books you want to donate? Do you have someone who would help you if you had to go to the ER, or if you were admitted into the hospital?

These are not things we like to think about. I think we all hope we’ll have perfect health and then one night we’ll die peacefully in our sleep. But chances are better that we’ll have gradual health changes, and that at some point – maybe for months or maybe for years – we’ll need someone to help us on a regular basis.

And I hate to be cold about this, but your support system should include people who are younger than you. Because other clients, like Clara, have told us they have nobody they can call but it’s not because they have no support system, it’s because everyone in their support system is either dead or needs as much help as they do.

There’s an exercise I learned about recently that I find illuminating. Draw a picture of a theater. It should have a stage and an orchestra section, and then lots of other seating. Now write your name right on center stage. Put yourself right there in the middle of the stage. Now write the names of the key people in your lives right on the stage with you. These could be your spouse, siblings, new friends or lifelong friends – the first people you want to call with good news or bad news.

Next fill in the front rows of the theater with the names of the next key figures in your life. You may have more family in these rows, or friends from work, or neighbors. These are the next group of people you would call if you needed someone.

Continue on with this until either the whole theater is full, or you run out of people to list.

This theater – this is your support system. Make sure it works for you. Make sure the people on stage with you will show up for you. If everyone on stage is slightly problematic for one reason or another, you may realize it’s time to switch some people around in the theater. Maybe there’s someone in the middle of the orchestra who you think would be great to have on stage with you. Just thinking this through may help you as you decide who to call and check in on, and who to spend your holidays with, and who to show up for.

Joe and I opted not to have children but we have made a point of nurturing relationships with nieces and nephews, and cousins who are younger than us. It’s not just so they will take care of when we’re older – these people in our theaters are also good friends and people we enjoy spending time with.

It’s easy to take our friends and family for granted. It’s much easier to decline a social invitation and stay at home watching TV than it is to make the effort to meet people for dinner or drinks. But these kinds of decisions can add up and can lead to a feeling of isolation and a realization that your social network isn’t as strong as you’d like it to be.

Next time you’re considering cancelling plans, give a little thought to your future self, and make sure you’ll have people who will fill your theater, and show up for you.